Homophobia

It's been too long. That's okay, though.

 I've been busying myself with tumblr when I'm meant to do homework.
And I enjoy tumblr and fuck school because where does it really get you anyway?

Careers can go die in a hole because all I want is a shitty cafe job which earns me enough to buy pencils for writing and a tiny apartment with a girl i love and a rainy day to cuddle and eat sweet food or drink hot soup. That's what life's for, isn't it? It isn't about high pay and bad days but people watching and learning and loving and exploring and being happy.

Happiness. In a pdhpe assignment (the teacher is an absolute fucking fuckwit, can i just say that) one of the suggested personality traits was 'happy'. It's not a trait. Positive is a trait. Happiness is not a constant. it's a rare and amazing state where for a moment you're truly smiling and you notice how wonderful the world is for a minute. That's what I live for.
So should I really get off the internet and do maths questions which make me hate myself and life? no i fucking shouldn't.

and for your benefit I shall explain why mr o'brien is a fuck. yesterday we learnt the sumba. and he said we had to do it with the opposite sex for the assessment. we questioned it extensively and argued until i gave up because i was starting to cry.
he justified it by saying 'it would be like in a maths exam if you sat with a friend and shared answers. it'd be cheating. the teacher would say you can't do that because it's an individual assessment'. At that point Chanse and I aggressively pointed out in unison that it wasn't an individual assignment, followed with not-so-quietly whispering 'you fuck'. He continued with bullshit backups and I started to tear up so I just turned away and ignored him and almost walked out of school but I knew we had src elections later (and thats a proper way of dealing with it).
He said 'I want you to be comfortable with your sexuality, but..' and Chanse and I were just like No you fucking don't you dick' to each other. He ended asking 'is that fair enough?' and Chanse and I had both just turned away from him but Jam said 'Yeah, that's fair' and I know she was just doing it to silence the argument but it pissed me off so much because it wasn't fucking okay.
He hates us but fuck him and I really hate pdhpe and don't want to do the assignments now.
Then I asked to go to the bathroom while they learnt the whatever the fuck the dance was and just stood in front of the mirror for a while feeling nauseous and realising what a horrible and homophobic place the world still is. As i walked into the toilets though lizzy smiled at me and I almost cried (im almost crying now) because it was the most sympathetic and loving smile dear god.
it was an interesting experience though because living primarily on tumblr and with a very accepting group of friends has made me forget homophobia and he showed me a taste of what i'll be dealing with all my life. fuck yay. he is such a fucking discriminatory prick and he's super nasty to everyone I hate him with a passion I'm actually shaking. fuck.

anyway. sorry. bye.

Taste of independance

Okay so the other day I left school early because i had free periods and got a bus halfway home, where i went to a cafe. I have no experience of coffee and don't like it much but it's fancy and I like the idea of it and am trying to develop my taste for it, so I got a cappucino (only coffee name I could think of when he said 'flat white?' and i was like: no you bum what do you think i am some kind of coffee ameteur??).
Anyway so I walked to the beach and sat there watching the cockatoos and sipping it and feeling happy with myself and thinking 'this is the taste of independence'.
And then I took the lid off
and there was still like 3/4 left
and i was like 'nooOOOOO how do i finish this it's actually kinda ew'
so i looked in my bag and found a chocolate bar and alternated gulps of coffee and bites of chocolate and i finished it!
it was pretty funny, and fun.
then i walked back to the bus stop and went home happy!
~end of today's story~

Pretty

 

Have some pretty pictures! (taken by me)

Socializing

So yesterday i had a sudden wave of social life and went to two parties (pretty impressive, i know).
Oh and I got my braces off, me and mum went into town for that and we went op-shopping and such which was cool.

Anyway the first party was that of wonderful missy Chanse, and I was an hour late but we played mafia (a kind of character detective card game) and musical hats (like musical chairs) and glow-in-the-dark hockey, and there was all this delicious food made by Chanse and her nan and one of those fancy cakes where you crack the dome of chocolate and theres a cake underneath. It was a great party!

And the second party was a Eurovision party at school (I'm such a cool kid ay). I wasn't a Eurovison fan but I went anyway cause hey party, and it was really fun!! We basically bought food and flag to wave and watched the competition and had a poll thing and cheered for the sexy people and weirdo songs and it was generally quite awesome! So I am now addicted to Eurovision, thanks to Claire.

Old chest

My weekend project at the moment is re-styling my room with a vintage theme, and im finding it awesome fun so im going to write a post about it.

It started when I went to a market and bought this cute retro stool with a fluffy seat and curly wire legs, and I brought it home and got really enthusiastic about how to make my room suit it, and i have spent the weeks since finding bits and bobs and scanning op-shops and contemplating layouts, and I've landed on a pretty cheap conversion plan.
(Soz to those of you who aren't interested in design cause im gonna rave for a while about how cool its going to be so you don't need to read this post.)

Basically, it is as follows:
1. Clean and tidy my room as it is and get rid of all the crap i don't use. This mightn't be the funnest bit but it's really satisfying to send load after load off to the op-shop, and I'm aiming to get rid of one whole bookshelf so I can replace it with nice vintage things.
2. Vintage-ify my boring bed and set of drawers. Perhaps not going to end up with perfectly ligit looking old furniture, but it's cheap and easy - pretty much just means painting them nice colours (maybe a little bit of sanding off for the aged effect) and replacing the drawer handles with old-style ones.
3. Move in my new (well, old) pieces of furniture!! These are my mum's desk, which I love, it's white (but with flaking paint and the wood and purple paint showing) and has cute curly-footed legs and two drawers; the stool; and the chest.
Let me tell you about the chest. I found it in the garage, covered in dust and chook-poo and full of spiders, but looking like it might be pretty cool underneath, so I thought, 'okay, ill scrub it up and have it as a decorative piece in my room'. turns out it wasn't quite that easy. I got it out today and started scrubbing off the loose green paint, finding lovely red wood underneath the dust. In the process however i discovered that the hinges and lock are rusted to buggary (one of them snapped off in my fingers) and the top and bottom are made of plywood which is warped and falling off.
So im going to have to take off the hinges, lock, metal straps, and corner pieces, and replace the top and bottom - i have salvaged some good wood scraps from our chuck-out pile for this. Since i won't be able to find any nice wood with the same lovely appearance, my plan is to upholster the lid and make it into a seat, as well as lining it with felt to put my craft things in and putting a tray. It's going to be quite a project, but it will be fun and I'll learn some woodworking and upholstering skills in the process! :D

So thats it about my wonderful room conversion, thank you muchly if you actually bothered to read it all, I'm just so excited about the whole thing that I wanted to rant to someone while the chest dries off. I'll go start sanding now, see ya!

Update: I took off all the corner pieces and hinges and the top and bottom, so it's well under way! :DD

Update 2: That was many months ago and it's still in pieces outside my room! :DD I have very thoroughly cleaned out my room though, and it's really spacious and pretty now and I got rid of the extra shelves so it looks cool. I'm not gonna do most of that plan though it's so long and complicated.

Update 3: i sanded it all, put it back together (including adding a bottom since the old one was rotted to shit) and it now sits under the stairs in my room to house all the soft toys i am too old to arrange on my bed but will never have the heart to give away. success story all round!

Wild winds

I changed my mind.
my favourite weather isn't rain.
it's wind, without a shadow of a doubt.

Wind which blasts a smile onto your face and blows your limbs into dancing, whips away your voice and swirls it into song. Wing which stings you with rain or snow or sand and yet you grin. Or at least, I do.

I stand on the rocks at the edge of the surf laughing into the gale and singing at the top of my voice out of tune, watching the rolling stacks of waves have their foam blown off the tips and into arcs of white rainbow reaching back towards the sky. I make up terrible songs about how glorious I feel and spin around until i collapse into the grass. I open my jacket and lean foward as much as possible, letting the wind hold me up. I run from high place to high place, swinging my arms and shouting like I'm in the Sound of Music (or a more exciting version). I coax my dog into sprinting beside me for a few strides, then he wanders off and I laugh and grin for the saake of laughing and grinning and I am just so happy I don't care that there's a few fancy houses along the headland which probably think I'm crazy.

Those are some of the moments I live for. And so now I'm back inside and I should be working on some shitty geography assignment due tomorrow but i don't care. I don't care because I don't need some high-income job or some fancy degree, I just need a few people I love and a bit of open space, enough for the wind to whip up and take me away.

Milk

I love milk. this is really random. but i just found a piece of writing i did the other day inspired by a glass of milk, so here it is for your benefit:

A glass of milk, very white and very purposeful, sat in front of the boy.

He was in an armchair, sitting on its edge, perched, but his shoulders slumped slightly inwards and his hands sat limply curled in one another in his lap. His grey t-shirt draped over him so it could be seen that he had sharp shoulder blades and a little of his spine visible. He had a slim stature, but not exactly skinny, or muscled, or chubby. It could be seen in his legs, bent sharply at the knee so his toes were hidden under the chair, crossed at the ankles, that he was quite tall.

A loose fuzz of pale brown hair lay on his scalp. It was longer at the front, concealing all of his face but the thickly rounded tip of a nose and the hint of a jaw. 

end of post XD

My friends

okay so, my wonderful friends:

jesse:
really friendly, enthusiatic, puts her all into everthing she does and is super passionate, and always there for me to talk to about stuff from standing on a stingray (which was terrifying and funny at the same time, okay) to DnMs. Shes the most beautiful person ive ever met (outside and inside) and shes really upbeat and cheery and strongly emotional which i love because its a contrast to me (who keeps emotions internal and hates people seeing me cry).
generally just amazing, really.

zara:
weirdy who is just brilliant. ah thats basically summarised her. shes like the most straight edge perfect seeming girl, but then you get to know her... and, well, yeah. very fun to be around and talk to about deep stuf or funny things or anything. and when she says the word poo or bottom she starts giggling and its really cute and hilarious, and shes also gorgeous.

claire:
source of all wisdom. source of all wisdom (repeated for emphasis). she has much crush/love experience, which makes her the best person to go to for that kinda advice and she is a pretty amazing advice giver. also, doctor claire. she has so much knowledge of sickness and injury its crazy (due to her personal experiences XD). cool to talk to about lots of things - shares my love of stars and outdoors and such things. wonderful person and super pretty (esp with new blue hair streak).

and
others

sorrie!
im too lazy to do everyone okay, welcome to another fault of my personality :3

Hollowness

Okay.
Hi.
I feel, nervous? I don't know. Hollow in the stomach area. Weird.
Jesse sent me her conversation with Sacha, Claire's long time crush/love, and damn I think he likes Jesse. A bit, at least. He complemented her a lot throughout the convo and used a pick up line (really well actually) and invited her to the movies and I was reading it with this sinking hollowness like man, drama may start.  Claire /really/ likes him. But Jesse seriously friendzoned him to death so she did well but still oh dear.
Well thats my little venting of the hollowness (it worked, too). So I'll finish with this topic.

Actually I'll let this have a post to itself so happier stuff can be separate :)

Ahaha just realised that with the thing of sacha asking jesse to the movies and her responding by suggesting bringing the whole group of friends, shes done the same thing to me.
the thing i identified as superb friendzoning skills.
maybe thats why
i can feel my heart jumping around
and i feel a little bit hollow again
aghh
what can i do
if i dont even know
what i feel

Rain

hiya

I was gonna write a rant post about how i hate my job but i think i might as well skip it.

My day was good! (until work). school was normal and all but i was with my amazing friends and got a decent mark on an assignment i didnt put much effort into, and it rained.

Rain is my favourite weather, hands down. The bus trip home, with noisy conversations around me and view of nothing much, then the long boring wait for another bus halfway home and the annoying kids on that bus - its all a depressing chore on most days, shutting my ears and my mind and trying to do / think something useful / nice.

When it rains, though, everything is reversed. The chatter is some sort of burbling music and the view is misted and streaked by the water on the windows, so car brake lights are an artwork. The wait between buses is too short as I scramble to write out a new description of the ocean - god it's amazing in the mist and the gray-green, and the last bus my ears aren't noticed because my face is resting on the window and i try to count ships far out through the mist.

See? I go so romantic. Im home now but it's still wonderful, i can hear it pounding or speckling on the iron roof, and gushing down the creek, and i can see the yellow halo of the streetlamp reflecting off the wet road. It's just gorgeous. You can photograph the ocean on a sunny day as much as you like, but give me drumming rain and wind that almost knocks you over, that's when I'm happiest.

Well i think thats all for this post, just rain. Hope you get rain where you are :)

Jealousy

this picture:

i love it.



okay, on a completely separate note: jealousy.
lots of people say its a horrible emotion but i think its actually pretty wonderful, in a twisted way, because it often makes you try to connect more to the people you love just because you're jealous of how they interact with others. okay so lets say im in love with ig (random name) who is talking heaps to another friends, op. my options, i feel, are to try to steal igs attention from op, or vice versa. either way i connect more to someone.
at the same time though, i wont deny thats its a disgusting feeling. you hate ig and op having a connection because you really fucking want ig to be yours.
but yeah, its an interesting feeling. because its horrible but often causes good stuff. im so articulate. anyway, thats all folks!

Camp & a book

Hello again!
Thank you for anyone who bothers to read this.
I was at camp last week which was absolutely wonderful - i talked to lots of new people and made new friends and i feel like i made my existence known (im pretty shy). It was such an easy environment to interact in, I just loved it. I really hope that it will continue when we go back to school.
On another note, today I read "Thirteen reasons why" by jay asher which was a really good book. About suicide and the 'snowball effect' of little things gradually adding up, and although the book ended with death of main character (dont worry, im not spoiling the story, you know from the start), its a really positive ending, giving you hope for helping people.

Hello

Hello!
I'm ruby, an Aussie teenager.
i'm kind of, shy and weird and really like fun. I guess everyone likes fun but yeah, haha.
this is a kinda online diary thing for me i guess, or at leaast, thats what im hoping it will be - a place where i can write my thoughts and feelings and not be judged - which sounds pretty good to me!

i dont actually know what i will put here, but ill figure it out as this goes on.

well

to start with i'll tell a story of a moment of my weekend.
I was hanging out the washing - believe it or not this is a process I enjoy because it means i go out into the sunlight and the air, and i tend to sing and dance around when im in my backyard because its private and stuff and it makes me happy. Exercise releases endorphins/happy chemical things which sound like dolphins and make you happy right? Same as chocolate. Coincidence haha. Anyway, back to the point. i stood on something soft - possibly soft like some poor native animal my neighbours cat killed - and freaked out and gasped and jumped away slightly. Then I looked at it. It was a sock.
This story is a metaphor for my life i think. Not sure how but it seems about right. 'This is thy life...' Is that a shakespeare quote? something like that, anyway.
So yeah.
Grand Story of my Life... i dont really know why i posted this but anyway its my thoughts hehe, hello! (Hello is counting as a parting greeting now too, okay)

p.s. other posts will be more interesting, I promise...